i was a misogynist

For years men have been threatened with the misogyny and their burning need to change. Now these things take a generation to move on and men, on the whole, have made great progress in viewing women as “equals”, although I wouldn’t claim perfection. What this post I’m reblogging shows is that much of the misogyny that exists today is carried around (internalised) by women. It stops them (women) and us (men) from moving on to a new dynamic. We men have had our significant emotional event to induce change, women need to have the one that causes them to look at themselves in a new positive light.
Men and women are a team in this life; life is a social experience. If we seek the divisions we will make them. Unlike the author of this post I would have several women on my top 10 list; what does that say about the gender equality battle?

to a fault

I didn’t want to post this. Hazel convinced me I should. I’m dropping it here and then running away to eat biscuits and drink wine. The partner post which shows a brighter future is I AM A FEMINIST. This post is, as I note later on, word vomit. Painful word vomit. But, you know what they say… better out than in.

Additional: this post contains a photo of a topless woman, which may be deemed Not Safe For Work by some employers, schools, etc.


I was a misogynist.

Great. There, I wrote it down.  I mean, I wrote it down last.  It took hours of agonizing over this piece, years of struggling with self loathing and at least half an hour of pacing back and forth from my laptop before I finally got it out there, but there it is.  I was a misogynist.  I used to hate…

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One More Voice

megaphone manHaving “reblogged” some very poignant posts recently I felt compelled to finish this post off and publish.  Why?  Because somewhere in all this noise I felt I needed to be clear about what I’m trying to say and what those posts echoed for me.

This blog is just one more voice like in “Horton Hears a Who”. Perhaps I am hoping the sound of this blog will be enough to get the doubting masses to hear the message like that last little Who.  I’m not underplaying how cathartic it is for me to get these thought out of my head and on to “paper”.

Under all this I think it is time to clarify what this “YOP” is about. The accusations of misogyny and “women hating” have got to stop. [Is this misogyny?]  Anyone who thinks I hate women is deeply troubled and needs to re-examine their own motives and thinking patterns.  This site is about men and women BOTH working together to make relationships work.

If I appear to be attacking women then I apologise for you misunderstanding what is being said [see Gestures and Responses].  I am not attacking the messenger, I am attacking the message, and on one hand that message is that women are vastly superior to men and can do any selfish thing and yet men are still fundamentally at fault for the breakdown of relationships.  On the other that message is that women are victims (We’re All Victims Now).  Both messages are wrong and deeply harmful to men and women equally.

I do not believe all men are predators nor that all sons are rapists.  I believe men are no different than women in their core emotional requirements; we are all looking for love.  Although there are differences they are not tied to our phenotypes (read Why Men Don’t Listen and Women Can’t Read Maps) and the big cultural imbalances have been addresses (We’re All Victims Now).

The aim of this blog is to minimise the “over-correction” that has arrived with women’s liberation.  We are in the throes of creating a female dominated culture, with readily identifiable discrimination against men; in ways that men have not discriminated against women. My aim is to prevent the creation of a generation of disenfranchised young men that want to push the balance the other way.

If the momentum is not stopped and the bias continues to favor women too far and we do not reach a steady place of balance for all people then the danger is angry young men.  If society / current culture boxes them in they will not be burning bras they will be burning buildings. The peaceful change I’m seeking must not be silenced, these quiet voices must be heard.  The alternative is not a place I want to go.

Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution inevitable

John F Kennedy (Address on the first Anniversary of the Alliance for Progress)

 

A Good Father to the Children

good fatherA terrible indictment on modern women and their post-feminist ideology is the number of times I have heard women say, “He was a complete [insert expletive], but he is a good father to the children. On the surface this is a perfectly fine statement. Before we congratulate ourselves on spotting the blindingly obvious let’s look at deconstructing that sentence and the meanings of its parts by looking at it in reverse.

What does it take to be a good father? I suspect we can all agree that it is things like; loving and supporting the children. Providing emotional support and time engaged in the school work, extra-curricular activities or just providing a taxi service for their social life. All the things that would tend to be high on your list of priorities should we be thinking of having children. Indeed the presence of a strong male role model, especially for sons, has been shown to result in better performance in later in life (I was going to included links to web pages on the positive effect of male role models and the negative effects of a lack one, but the amount of quality research says to me – GO TO A SEARCH ENGINE AND LOOK IT UP!).

Now a paragraph on a single word, BUT. I was once told that to use the word “but” means you should ignore everything in the sentence prior to it. If the intention is to qualify what we’ve said then “however” or “because” are the words to use. Thus, the only meaning is in the second half of the sentence. Clearly we could stop now and rest assured that these men are fulfilling the main criteria of a woman wanting to successfully raise children.
However, (see what I did there?) the not so hidden agenda is the selfish statement that these men fail to live up to the expectations of the woman making the statement. Thus, the statement is more a comment on the priorities of the speaker. What she wants is more emotional attention for herself and less for her children. Hasn’t the reverse of this been a clarion call of women’s rights over the last 50 years; men need to stop being jealous of their children and get on with being a father?

If these women have set out to have a family then the man they were, or are, with fulfils one of the greatest criteria you could set down. They’ve struck gold, what more could they ask for? The problem comes from the “You’re Worth It” mentality struck into women’s minds in this era. The are told that women have been undervalued for generations and they deserve better.

I’m not saying everyone of these men is a saint, or is even worth staying with, however, men have been told to get the plank out of their eye and on the whole they’ve done it. What wasn’t expected was for women to pick it up and stick it their own. Parenting is a team game and is best played with two adults.
There are plenty of reasons to keep some of your own identity in a relationship that, however, is not a reason to throw the baby out with the bath water. Acting like a baby has always been the accusation levelled at men and now when they don’t they are still criticised for stepping up to that plate.

Women are in danger of absorbing the mantle of the worst of previous generations of men due to the rhetoric that they hear. One of my father’s favorite quotes is, “he who generalises, generally lies.” The post feminists rhetoric has tarnished all men with the worst of history. It has also implied that men are genetically set in their ways, without considering what this implies about women, or believe that the cultural influences can’t change men’s behaviour (See a post on Mothers Making the Next Generation of Men).

Women (and men) might have changing needs at different times in their lives (see Maslow, Changing Needs with Time), but they need to look at the life-cycle of things. If they cannot give and take in some places then little criticism can be levelled at the men that run off and have affairs, play golf or any of the other terrible misdemeanours they have collectively committed in the past.

A level playing field of equality does not mean women get to pick the best, nor does it mean that men can carry on as the worst of their ancestors (love and forgiveness – unpublished). What must happen is both sides need to work together, not just “because of the kids” but because the kids are your choice and you both have a responsibility to look after someone that is here because of your choices. You’ve no rights to put your short term happiness above their long term well being.

I’m not proposing misery for anyone, just careful thought about whether your short term gain is worth the long term effect elsewhere and ask whether or not you are just being a selfish git. We’re all part of a bigger picture, now we need to act like we are.

Happy or Dismayed? The question of Amateur blogging

dismay1

Image Courtesy of http://jimmyemeryphotos.wordpress.com/

Well, with about 6 months under my belt as a very erratic blogger with a staggering 15 “real” post under my belt I’ve discovered that in the notepad I use for writing the blog posts I have 98 posts in the jar. That does include those already posted, except this one!

I am trying to decide if I am happy I have so much to say on one subject or whether to be dismayed that there is so much to be said.

Not being in a place that is full of emotional input, and by an introvert (in the clinical sense NOT the hackneyed common sense) it is hard to generate more output. Despite what most people might think this does not recharge my batteries, although it does provide salve for my heart.

Happy or dismayed? I’m still not decided.

Love Maps / Genograms

Sample-Genogram-Full-Size (Small) Genograms are very much what they seem; a recent family tree.  From a marriage guidance perspective the interest is in finding not just the obvious biological family tree, but as a Love Map to find where you learned to experience love and how it might have been expressed, or withheld.  In the extremes it is looking for patterns that are repeating themselves, such as violent fathers leading to the choice of a violent husband, or vice versa.

A parents’ relationship is the single strongest reference point we have to how to behave ourselves when we enter adult relationships.  With that we can bring the good and the bad [see the post “This is the verse”] and it may not be clear which is which until you see how they interact with a partner’s.  They can help us to see the wood for the trees in our own past.

The TV program Criminal Minds  is fond of using Love Maps to create personality profiles of serial killers.  This may be the extreme example of their use although it does demonstrate the baggage we bring from our formative years to our adult life.  Unfortunately, what that program doesn’t show you is that they can highlight the “good things” you’ve carried in to adulthood and your relationships.

They are nothing frightening and provide the opportunity to fill in some gaps that can help a good counselor start to frame together hidden drivers in your psyche.  A solid house is built on good foundations and this can be a way to find the hidden flaws in our own.

You’ll struggle to build a house in the dark!

Sample Genogram Copyright of GenoPro (http://www.genopro.com/)

This be the Verse

A poem by Philip Larkin

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.super_funny_hilarious_pictures_crazy_fun_laughing_stupid_parents-18562

They may not mean to, but they do.

They fill you with the faults they had

  And add some extra, just for you.

 

But they were fucked up in their turn

By fools in old-style hats and coats,

Who half the time were soppy-stern

  And half at one another’s throats.

 

Man hands on misery to man.

  It deepens like a coastal shelf.

Get out as early as you can,

  And don’t have any kids yourself.

My deepest thanks to a friend that introduced me to this poem.  Those first two lines echo my life. Please don’t misunderstand, I love my parents and as I get older I even appreciate more and more how hard they tried to make the best of everything that came their way.  I think our superego is underdeveloped when we are younger and we are far too selfish, which brings our troubles forward into adulthood.  Look at this site and this post (Maslow, Changing Needs with Time) for better understanding of that superego thing.

A moving and brief account, that ties in with this poem, comes about half waydown the page of this post ( http://www.psychotherapynetworker.org/populartopics/couples/462-the-art-and-science-of-love ) where the blogger refers to how her father had beaten her for running away.  We feel a deep empathy with the writer, although at this point in my life I can understand the maelstrom of emotions going through her father’s head and why he reacted like he did.  I suspect his motive was love, which inspired fear of loosing her and anger at the lack of responsibility and consideration for his feelings. It is hard to imagine what damage he carried from his parents that his gesture (and response) of love should come with such a negative overtone.

Take a moment to reflect and seek help looking for the mess in your past before being too critical of your own children.

Blogging is like comedy – it’s all in the timing

This blog wallows in the low visit region for several reasons:

  • The infrequency with which I post
  • The topic is not aimed at the biggest blog consumers
  • The preservation of marriages is more than a little counter cultural – long live the revolution!

So what is up with the headline?

The short answer is that the chances of this post, or any others, reaching the “freshly pressed” page are small due to the time of day I typically post.  That means the biggest demographic is not on line; and that means producers or consumers.

Well, maybe one day this post will feel less apocryphal.

Just who is this layshrink, anyway?

Men Grow Up at 43

middle aged manA recent study cited that men typically “grow up” at 43. I’m not sure what the basis of divining between grown up and not was, but it does raise some serious questions about relationship dynamics.

Most people marry, or settle with long term partners in their 20’s or 30’s. Based on the recent survey this means women agree to marry / settle with a man that is not “grown up”. This can be read as one of two ways. In the first instance it can be taken as an indictment on men’s ability to stop being kids and grow up. The second is more complex and calls in to question women’s value system when assessing a relationship over time.

The second viewpoint is complex, mainly due to the extended temporal element involved. Okay, this needs some serious explanation. A common complaint in relationships is that, “He is not the man I married.” Well if he hasn’t grown up until he has adolescent children then that statement, while true, is no great surprise.

Closer examination pushes us towards one conclusion; women should wait for men to grow up before the settle down with them. The likely unintended consequence of this is that without the pressure to become responsible men would simply delay growing up again. That would lead us to a rapid cycle of low birth rates and ageing fathers that would be unsustainable.

An alternative would be that men grow up younger. In a society where we are living longer, are wealthier and more self-indulgent this might take a major counter-revolution. I would advocate some of this, as men too often live without taking up responsibility, largely due to a post feminist benefits system and divorce bias that supports women without any direct need for men.

The more radical alternative is for women to enjoy this new grown up man. This too would be a major revolution in the “I’m worth it” world. Why? Because women seem to suddenly come apart in terms of their relationship expectations in the 10 years after men have grown up. As women are experiencing the mid-life crisis; having moved into the previously male dominated domains; they seem to what the wild impulsive passion that only comes from youth or ignorance.

Women forever seem to want to change their man and yet when it happens there immediate reaction seems to be to push it all under water. It is not something I have an answer for right now. Men grow up, women become unhappy. Surely the question needs to be asked what women think they want. Maybe we could ask, when do women grow up?

Either way, some clue may be found in how are “needs” change over time. That, however, is the subject of another post based on Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs .

Time to talk and not to blame, especially when you get what you wish for…

Uninvited celibacy

Damn, yes, yes, this is the whole thing. When those that need to hear the physical language of love, this is what they mean. Sex is great, but sex is not just the mechanics. Read this post, read the comments; especially if you don’t think sex is important in a relationship.

Soul Embraces

Veggie-womanRelax, this is not a woe is me story. It’s more of a story of discovery of what it has been like to be loverless for the longest stretch in my life since I lost my virginity. (OK, I actually didn’t lose it. I know where it went.)

Not making love for so long has given me new insights about what the experience is all about.

Celibacy is more than not having sex, which is to say that not having sex is more than not engaging in sexual activity — which is to say that sexuality itself is more than mere orgasm production. It’s a cornucopia of body, mind, heart, and spirit.

SEX IS WHOLISTIC

Sex combines both physical/sensual and nonphysical ingredients. There are the words that flow before, during, and after. The tender words, the hottie words, the encouraging words, the silly words.

I dearly love my female platonic…

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The True Story of a Seven Year Marriage

Lazy reblogging here, but when I read this post it reflects the lost reality of love and not the shallow “happily ever after” of children’s fairy tales and Hollywood.

Fly Softly My Love

I used to scoff at those who simply made it work, couples who lived long and tedious years together even if the fire had died. Life is too short I thought, to spend it with someone who doesn’t kindle your passion.

That was before I knew that passion isn’t something that floats around and lands on you like a lucky butterfly (at least not all the time). It needs to be tended, like a fire in your heart, by breathing life into a spark over and over. You choose where you build your fire, and your heart listens to your choice.

When our turn came to meet and marry, I wondered how we might avoid the boring fate of the uninspired; the settlers who had aimed high and fallen short.

What made us special, more right for each other than the others? We fooled ourselves and listed off the reasons.

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